5 Ways to Break the Impact of Depersonalization
Depersonalization they call it--a sense of being detached from yourself. I have not been myself for awhile. On the outside I appear alert because I am hyper-vigilant, always ready for the next crisis...that inevitably comes. Yet, I am not here--not really. Being present in the moment is not something I have experienced recently. I believe prolonged anxiety is the culprit. I have been situationally depressed in the past but not chronically depressed...until now. My voluntary isolation from family, friends, and church has been harder on me than I thought it would. Twelve months have passed since I made a blog entry or created a soul collage card. Avoiding people and crowds to protect Michael's weakened immune system has been very effective but it has also had numerous unintended consequences.
Everyone reminds me to "take care of myself" but I've always put the needs of others before my own. Advocating for your loved one with multiple myeloma demands being up to date on the latest treatment options, the side effects, and a means to pay for this life-saving plan. Organizing medicines, making healthy meals, and offering emotional support are just a few parts of the job. Understanding that "chemo brain" is a real and frustrating challenge will prepare the caregiver for finding patience in chaos. Caregiving is draining. Weary doesn't even come close to describing the tiredness experienced. There is no cure for multiple myeloma but the CAR T-cell transplant comes close. For now, Michael has no measurable myeloma in his body but the fear of it rearing its ugly head again is ever-present. It is that fear that causes the fight or flight instinct to go into overdrive.
I've always preferred defining mindfulness as being aware of God's presence in one's life instead of the more secular meaning. What I've been experiencing recently is the opposite--mindlessness. It's like I'm watching myself go through the motions of my daily routines but I'm outside of my body. This situation is not normal for me. I have always felt that I am engaged in life--not a bystander. So, how do I break this cycle I'm in so I can move forward in my walk with the Lord and continue to give my husband the love and care he needs? I am narrowing it down to five strategies that I believe will work for me...
Get outside every single day! "Blessed are those who walk in the light of your presence, Lord." Psalm 89:15 I am more me outside than anywhere else. I can hear His voice clearly and I know that I am not alone. Even if it is only a short stroll, it is a practice that I must do daily. I have never been bothered by Seasonal Affective Disorder but it has a huge impact on Michael. Sometimes I just want to say, "Snap out of it!" but he prefers laying in bed with an artificial sunlight simulator instead of going outside. So, with or without him, I must make a point to walk in the sun or a dreary, cloudy day, every day.
Focus on the tasks of TODAY--not tomorrow. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:34 To a degree, a caregiver must think of the future because of appointments, medicine that needs refilling, grant applications to pay for those meds and appointments, meals that need to be cooked, and a multitude of other responsibilities...However, it is easy to let the anxiety of that next trip to Richmond or that next ER visit consume the day. Anxiety has a voracious appetite--don't feed it. Instead, stay in your time zone. Recognize the anxiety and give it 5 seconds. (Michael and I have been binging LOST and Jack used this technique to get pass the fear he was feeling when operating. Count to 5 slowly and then let it go.) I have tried this strategy twice in the last few days and it worked. In acknowledging the fear, naming it, giving it 5 seconds to run rampant, I was able to deescalate the anxiety.
Say a breath prayer. "Pray without ceasing." 1 Thessalonian 5:17 I have a blog entry entirely devoted to breath prayers. That's how important they are to me. Basically, it is combining an inhale/exhale with a very brief prayer. Inhale on the first part of the prayer and exhale on the second part. Repeat this prayer throughout the day. Deep breathing impacts the part of the brain that regulates stress. Breath prayers bring one back to the present. Below are a few examples.
Breath Prayer Inhale: Renew my mind Exhale: Your will be done
Inhale: Lord Jesus Exhale: Help me
Inhale: Lord God Exhale: Restore my soul
Inhale: Father Exhale: Give me patience
Find an activity to do that is contemplative. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 No, I am not going crazy. My heart might be racing but I'm not having a heart attack. The floaters and flashes of light are scary. They mess up my depth perception but the optometrist says my eyes are fine. I don't need that piece of chocolate to comfort me. I can comfort myself by slowing down and listening to God. Fortunately, I have several activities that help me calm down. Making soul collage cards is very therapeutic to me. I've shared many of them in my blog over the years but one needs to have taken a class on how to create them. Being part of a soul collage therapy group was one of the most insightful times in my life. Painting watercolors is another outlet when I am anxious. I am very much a beginner. I've discovered that letting the colors flow into each other is almost a magical experience. Fifteen minutes later a painting is before me that expressed my emotions more eloquently than words. "Contemplative" should not be confused as "mindlessness." Being still is a spiritual discipline that has taken a backseat to multi-tasking in this century. I am guilty of not spending enough time being still with God. If I want to reduce my anxiousness, I must spend more listening and less time talking.
Grounding. Forest Bathing. Earthing. "I will plant cedars in the wilderness, acacias, myrtles, and olive trees. I will set junipers in the desert, elms, cypress, and boxwood together." Isaiah 41:19 Touching the Earth's surface to balance the body's electrical charge is a practice that many folks use for anxiety-reduction. Studies have shown it can reduce stress, inflammation, pain, and even improve blood viscosity. Walking barefoot is something I did a lot as a child but my feet have gotten very sensitive with age. One of my favorite ways of grounding nowadays is soaking my feet in a copper basin filled with warm water and a calming essential oil. Patchouli, lavender, and doTERRA's Shinrin-Yoku are some of my favorites this time of year. Of course, getting my hands in the dirt is one of my most effective ways to get grounded. Planting, trimming, and even weeding help reduce my anxiety. Another practice,
shinrin-yoku forest-bathing, is a Japanese exercise called shinrin-yoku . Native evergreens release a high concentration of phytoncides, airborne essential oils. This phytoncide "shower" can have a positive impact on the body for weeks. I also love to walk the St. Mary's White Chapel labyrinth in upper Lancaster County, VA. Michael and I were married there in 2013. It is a healing place, indeed. Connecting with the Earth is one of my favorite ways to break this depersonalization cycle.
The Labyrinth at St. Mary's White Chapel Lancaster, VA Of course, I have not been diagnosed with depersonalization disorder. It's just me plugging my symptoms into the internet and seeing what pops up. I want to be me again. It is my hope that the five ideas I have shared as part of my recovery will help me on my journey to the center. Please feel free to comment or offer your suggestions.
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